Something happened to me this morning which changed me forever. I came face to face with death while sitting on my bathroom floor. Staring down into a basket which held 6 tiny 5 day old puppies, the realization of our limits as a biological species dawned on me. It wasn't just the fact that one of the puppies did not survive the night but rather all the events culminating to her death. From the couple who did not realize the disastrous effects of a nine year old dog giving birth a little too late, to the Vet who responded to my 2am emergency call with no instructions or questions regarding their nursing, to the vet tech who assured me that they will be fine with me despite my lack of training in nursing newborns, to even myself who took on way more than what I was ready to handle. Maybe in this chain-link of events, if one small link disconnected the outcome would have been different. Then again, who's to know if she would have mauled a human child years from now if she had lived?
The feeling is indescribable when you visually and actually experience the passing away of a defenseless creature depending on you for survival. Their cries of pain resonate through your being - striking your heart with a mallet with each cry and of course rendering you with a feeling of helplessness. I went through a palette of emotions as the night progressed. First, panic when I heard the cry, to sadness, to anger, back to sadness, to depression, and finally back to sadness. And although your mind rationalizes that you did the best for her by making her comfortable and keeping her warm, a part of you feels guilty. You then wonder if perhaps she died because you made a mistake somewhere. Actually, I did. I took them home to nurse them.
Boy, I wish I could have traded places with someone this morning.
No comments:
Post a Comment